It's been a while since I have been on here. I wish I could say it was because I was busy because of the holidays but that isn't the case at all. There is nothing going on except work which has thrown me kicking and screaming into the holiday shopping madness.

I am sick of hearing people complain about what a drag the holidays are because they have to shop, cook and everything. I consider them lucky and I wish I had what they did...family and friends, people to spend time with and appreciate each other. People are so ungrateful for what they have they don't even realize how precious it all is. Sad thing is I guess I used to be one of those people taking what I had for granted never thinking for a moment it could all be gone tomorrow. I want to shake and slap people and scream at them, "Take a look at what you have, don't you realize how lucky you are, you ignorant, ungrateful assholes."

I had so many hopes for this year and here it is almost over and nothing I hoped to achieve has been realized. At least I can honestly say it was not for lack of trying on my part. Rejection on many levels has become the main theme of the current year. No matter how much I have changed or grown and attempt to atone for past sins, people are just not willing to let go of the past. I have been accused of the same thing recently but it really is not an accurate perception. The accuser can't even see who I am clearly anymore because their own past experiences are clouding thier judgement.

No matter what I do. it is seen as some kind of manipulation when all I do is really just from my heart, a simple representation of my feelings expressed in the only way I can, because of all the limitations and restrictions placed on me. Simple gestures of love and appreciation are now viewed as manipulative attempts to buy affection. That really hurts but I guess I deserve it. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it alone, as they say. I somehow get the feeling I will be paying dearly for my mistakes for the rest of my life. Much of the time the cost is so much more than I can even bear.

Treat the people that love you and that you love well. Appreciate them and be grateful for having them in your lives. There are some people, like myself, who would give anything to have what you have. The holidays aren't about gifts and cooking like a mad person or even decorating. While those things are all very nice what is really important is spending time with your friends and family and just enjoying each other. Count your blessings, hold them close and keep them safe. The best gift you can give to someone is of yourself.

I wish you all Happy Holidays, a peaceful heart, and a safe journey over the coming year.